Feedback from viewers

This one is going to be kind of long. It consists of an email I got from a fan, and then my response. Happy reading.

First, the email:

Hey Woman Who Schmoozes With Famous Authors,

"Just so you know, if a girl is trying to be content in her singleness, going on and on about how wonderful guys can be is probably not the greatest idea either."

I wrote "Other things guys are useful for" because your post was excellent, informative, logical, funny... and devoid of emotions. It seems to me, if you are going to write about relationships, or refer to them, that there should be some emotions involved.

"...but it’s also important to remember that if you aren’t happy with your life BEFORE you get married, you aren’t going to be happy with your life AFTER. I’m pleased to say that I am quite content with life before."

You say that you are "content" but in the previous line you use the word "happy" to express the emotions of life.

ARE YOU HAPPY?

It's OK to be a little lost and lonely while being single. God made man and woman to complete each other. GEN 2:24 "... and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." We have friends and family that can help cover that void for a time of singleness, but they cannot fill that void. I wanted you to express some feelings, some emotions. To deny that they exist allows them to build up. A pressure that can be released unexpectedly. For example, if you happen to met a nice guy, but not the right person for you, those pent up emotions can overwhelm you. You could end up making a big mistake. But expressing these feelings, talking about them, allows us to become acclimated to them, almost like building up a resistance. :) Hopefully, this allows us to gain control over those wily emotions.

It seems to me that if you can't talk about not being single, should you be single? Just a thought. No accusations, just food for thought and a view from my side of things.

May God bless us daily,

David


And my response:
I’ve discovered that another of my spiritual gifts is my ability to overanalyze things. I’m especially gifted at it. So I’ve taken to attempting to understand how I feel about being single. Here’s what I have discovered.

My feelings about singleness really have very little to do with whether or not I’m married. It’s more about a natural attraction to men. I like men. They are funny, they are good-looking, they are good-smelling (most of the time), and they have deep manly voices and big strong hands. I LOVE that.

But I think there’s sort of a double standard when it comes to women liking men. If men like women, they just like women. That’s it. If women like men, they just want to get married and have babies. I think that’s unfair and untrue. Do I want to get married someday? Sure. (Although I have a few thoughts about that as well. But that’s a topic for another day.) But my attraction towards men has very little to do with the fact that I want to get married and have babies. When I meet a new guy I don’t think. “Oh, maybe he’s the one!” It’s more like, “He’s funny and hot and I enjoy hanging out with him.” Do you see the difference?

But as women enter their late twenties and are still single, it’s sometimes assumed that we’re starting to worry about whether or not it will happen for us. Like I’m constantly worrying “Will I ever find the man I’ll spend my life with?” I guess what I’m really trying to say in these posts is that it’ll be totally cool if I DO find that person. I think we’ll have a great time together and make a great team and do some awesome stuff. But I’m going to have a great time doing awesome stuff anyway. So if I don’t ever find someone, I’m not going to die a bitter old maid. How can I? God has been more than gracious enough.

So am I glad I’m single? Not really. I mean, if I had a choice, I guess I’d rather be hanging out with hotness. But am I happy being single? Yes. Absolutely. (I mean, if I was married with kids, you think I could blog as much as I do? It ain’t all bad. :) )

I'm also not sure how I feel about the phrase "God made man and woman to complete each other." I think maybe "complete" is not the right word. Perhaps "complement?" I would hate to imply that women who never get married are not complete and whole people.

And believe me, I know plenty about BIG mistakes. For real. It's conceivable that I might accidentally (haha) date the wrong guy because I like guys in general (hence the need for the Jan's Man Approval Committee.) However, I will NEVER marry the wrong guy just because I want to be married. The thought makes me want to throw up. I literally have nightmares about marrying the wrong guy and I wake up with a sigh of relief and say "Thank you, God! It didn't really happen!"

Thanks for the insight and encouraging me to better understand myself.

Jan

Encouraging...

I'm in a better mood today. I guess it's because I didn't get rained on today. There's just something about the 'drowned rat" look that bothers me.

Anyway, it has been brought to my attention that my previous post might have been "a bit harsh on the males." Perhaps this will make amends...

You might eventually get tired of me quoting or talking about Carolyn McCulley, but she really does have some wonderful things to say. Anyway, her blog entry today talks less of how single women should feel about their own lives as it does about how we, as women, can better help men be men. And indirectly, how we can enable men to treat us the way we want to be treated.

So guys, evaluate the following statement:
"If men had to choose, they would rather choose to feel unloved than disrespected."

What truth is there in this statement? How well do you think women do in general when it comes to respecting men? How well do you think Christian women do? Some may have the attitude that respect has to be earned. Do you agree? What do you feel about the idea that if a woman chooses to respect a man, he will want to be worthy of it? I guess my question has a lot with which should happen first. Should men be respectable and then women will respect them? Or should women respect men and then men will attempt to be more worthy of such respect? Or is it a combination of the two?

Comments are welcome, from both guys and girls. Here's your chance to speak your mind!!!

Complaining...

I don’t complain very often. I mean real complaining. I jokingly complain a lot, but it’s all in jest. But every once in a while, I need to get my real complaining fix.

Just so you know, I’m not obsessed with my singleness. But I have been thinking about it a lot lately because I’ve recently discovered a wonderful author who writes a lot about women and singleness. (This is my shout out to Carolyn McCulley!) She’s helped me understand that it’s okay to want to get married, but it’s also important to remember that if you aren’t happy with your life BEFORE you get married, you aren’t going to be happy with your life AFTER. I’m pleased to say that I am quite content with life before.

But I do have some thoughts about that. I don’t know if you know this about me, but I tend to be a little on the independent side. Almost to a fault. I really like to do things myself, and I don’t really like to get others' opinions before making up my own mind. So here’s the thing. I’ve heard that guys like to feel needed. Like they enjoy having to kill the bug or unscrew the lid that’s on too tight or get something off the top shelf. But these are things I’ve learned to do myself. If there’s a spider, I catch it and take it outside, although it’s true that I might squeal and get the heebie-jeebies. If the lid is on too tight, I beat the crap out of it until it comes off. And I’m tall enough to get just about anything down off the top shelf. I’m even quite capable of rearranging furniture all by my lonesome. (I recently did it, in fact.)

So it’s crossed my mind that I might not make a guy feel very useful. This could be a problem some day. And then tonight happened.

I went to Wal-Mart tonight and parked close to one of the entrances. But at 10, they lock the doors at that entrance so I had to go out the other entrance. But guess what. It was raining. So I just stood there, thinking, “Now this is when having a guy would be helpful.” I’m assuming that if I was married, I would not be at Wal-Mart by myself at 10 at night. (Guys, don’t ever let your wives/girlfriends go to Wal-Mart by themselves that late. Either go with them or insist that they wait until the next day. They might get annoyed – I would – but they will appreciate your concern – I would.) I also assume that he would offer to run to the car, which was at the other end of the parking lot, and drive it up to the door so I wouldn’t have to walk in the rain with all my stuff. I almost think a guy would be proud to do that, likening running in the rain to some sort of badge of honor or something.

So guys, don’t ever feel like you aren’t useful. If nothing else, you’re necessary when it rains. And when something has to be done with the car. My registration has been out since December and it sure would be nice to have someone take care of it for me.

Oh, no!!!

I was late to work today. For two reasons. The first was beyond my control. There was a wreck and we had to detour. But I would have been late anyway. Why? I got distracted while I was getting ready. I normally don’t spend too much time on my hair (no comments, please) but I gave it a little extra attention today. I wasn’t actually DOING my hair, I was just looking at it. What was I looking at? The gray.

I found my first gray hair 3 years ago. Actually, I didn’t find it, my mom did. She was dyeing my hair and she found it. She thought it was funny. She told me, “Well, you ARE Fairy Wear’s granddaughter.” My grandmother went white pretty early. I don’t remember her not having white hair. It seems I’ve inherited her genes. Oy vey.

So for a while, I just ignored the fact that I was getting gray hair. I didn’t inspect my hair on a regular basis looking for the offending strands. But I can’t escape them now. They are right up front and entirely too visible when I part my hair. I don’t really mind them too much. They are more silver than gray, so I think it looks more funky than old. I’ll just keep telling myself that, anyway.

I was thinking of dyeing my hair this fall. Kind of a warm, reddish, fall-esque kind of color. This morning, I made up my mind for sure.

DON'T WORRY

I'm trying to customize my site a little bit and I'm trying to figure out how to make it all work. So if you see some crazy colors in here for a while, don't worry. I'll fix it eventually.

The gift of singleness

For the most part, I’m okay with still being single. I know that sometimes it’s hard for women. We hit 25, 28, 30 and there’s no sign of Prince Charming. But even though I’m coming up on 28, I’m still okay. In fact, I’m having a great time. I’ve made some wonderful friends, I’m serving in the church, my faith is maturing. I’m not unhappy. I’m not discontent. But sometimes these sneaky little thoughts invade my brain. And I start to wonder. Why am I still single? I mean, I’m okay with it, but I still wonder why. Am I too tall? Too obnoxious? Too intimidating? Too immature?

I think a lot of single women wonder these same things. Maybe even single men, although they probably wonder if they are too short rather than too tall. But I’m beginning to think and understand that these questions of inadequacy and our discontentedness with singleness in general are a result of our buying the lie that Satan feeds us.

I went to Borders last night. I shouldn’t go there. That place is evil. But I did. And I bought three books. One of the books is Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? It’s written by a woman named Carolyn McCulley, who happens to be friends with Joshua Harris who wrote I Kissed Dating Goodbye. She is a woman in her 40s who is still single and was starting to wonder why. So she began to try to understand what “the gift of singleness” really means.

I didn’t want to buy the book at first. And I certainly didn’t want to tell anyone I bought it. I mean, I don’t want people to think I have a problem with being single. And I DEFINITELY don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. Oy vey. It really irritates me when people feel sorry for me.

Anyway, I’ve only read two chapters so far, but I really like what she has to say. And I thought I’d share of bit of it. I will use direct quotes a lot, so when I do, remember that it’s all from this same book and I’m not plagiarizing.

She starts off with scripture:

There are three things that are too amazing for me,
Four that I do not understand:
The way of an eagle in the sky,
The way of a snake on a rock,
The way of a ship on the high seas,
The way of a man with a maiden.
Proverbs 30:18-19

“Wise men and women remain confounded by the mystery of attraction and romance. We really don’t know why some relationships bud and bloom, and others do not. It takes humility – a sober recognition of our limitations – to be comfortable with that mystery. We don’t know the ways of the heart, but God does. He knows how everything operates, and nothing is a mystery to Him. Even better, He is lovingly involved in His creation. He didn’t just make us all and then stand back to have a good laugh. The whole Bible testifies of God’s faithfulness to us even in the face of our own faithlessness to Him.”

So that’s the gist of chapter 1. But chapter 2 is where it gets good. About the gift of singleness:

“How and when did I get this gift of singleness? I don’t recall putting it on my ‘wish list’ or asking anyone to give it to me. I don’t remember opening it up and saying, ‘Ooohh, thank you! Singleness! How did you know? It’s perfect!’ There are several Greek words that could be translated as ‘gift’ in English.” One “denotes a free gift of grace, used in the New Testament to refer to a spiritual or supernatural gift. This is the word Paul uses in this passage – charisma. As a gift of grace, it stresses the fact that it is a gift of God the Creator freely bestowed upon sinners – His endowment upon believers by the operation of the Holy Spirit in the churches. Theologian Gordon Fee says that Paul’s use of charisma throughout this letter to the Corinthians stresses the root word of ‘grace,’ not the gifting itself. Fee writes:

"'There seems to be no real justification for the translation ‘spiritual gift’ for this word. Rather, they are ‘gracious endowments’, which at times, as in this letter, is seen also as the gracious activity of the Spirit in their midst.'

"It’s not an activity or a role, but a blessing – like the free gift of eternal life (Romans 5:15) that was given to us without any merit of our own.”

Hold it right there. Did you just read that? This “gift” of singleness should be treated as a gracious endowment and can be seen as a gracious activity of the Holy Spirit. It was a gift freely given to me through no merit of my own. What? Do you think of singleness in this way? I sure as heck never did.

Okay, so maybe there is some truth to that. But for what purpose? Why do some people have to wait so long before they get married? If singleness is such a gift, why didn’t God give this so-called gift to all the poor schmoes who are already married? Why me? To answer that, Ms. McCulley goes to 1st Corinthians 12.

"'Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone. To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good.'

“Spiritual gifts are given for the common good. The good news here is that the singleness is not about you – either your good qualities or your sinful tendencies. We have to stop here and ask ourselves if being gifted for the benefit of the church is important to us.”

Again I have to stop. I had heard a similar idea before. That we shouldn’t do something ABOUT our singleness, we should do something WITH our singleness. But it still had a self-centered flavor to it. What should I be using my singleness for NOW to serve ME? I never considered that I should be doing something WITH my singleness FOR the body of Christ. You’d think that wouldn’t need to be pointed out, but apparently it does. And I don’t think I’m alone in that. I think we are, by nature, very self-centered.

“But you may be wondering if it’s okay to still want to get married and have children. Yes! Those are also good gifts from God. It’s not wrong to desire marriage or to ask God for it.” However, “good gifts are in danger of becoming idols. ‘The evil in our desire typically does not lie in what we want, but that we want it too much.’ When any of us is tempted to think that the power to bless and satisfy resides in something other than God, this is idolatry.

"I like Elisabeth Elliot’s perspective: ‘Singleness is not to be viewed as a problem, nor marriage as a right. What may be your portion tomorrow is not your business today. Today’s business is trust in the living God who precisely measures out, day by day, each one’s portion.’”

Sometimes I have a problem with Elisabeth Elliot. I’ve read some of her books and they are very good. But I just sometimes have a problem with married people trying to encourage singles. And she’s been married three times. (Just so you know, her first two husbands died. One was martyred as he served as a missionary and one died of cancer.) But I do have to acknowledge the truth in what she says. God knows what I want. He will take care of me. He will give me everything I need, a lot of things that I want, and even more things that I didn’t know I wanted but still enjoy thoroughly.

The key to contentment in this time of singleness is understanding that a gracious God bestowed it upon me, through no merit of my own, for use in His kingdom. My singleness is not about me. My singleness is about Christ. Is yours?

Life as a guy

Bet you're wondering why I would know anything about that, huh?

Well, you can learn the same way I did.

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2005/life-as-guy-p1.php

Student workers

As of last Friday, I still owed UTD a little money, so I went up to the bursar’s office to settle my debt. Incidentally, I also had a few parking tickets. :( Here’s the conversation I had with the student worker.

Student worker: The system is down, so I can't help you.
Jan: Do you know when it will be back up?
Student worker: No. We don't know why it's down, so we don't know when it will be back up.
Jan: Are you thinking this morning, or this afternoon or next Monday...?
Student worker: I have no idea.
Jan: Okay, so do you know where I can pay my parking tickets?
Student worker: Well, you can either pay them here or at the police station.
Jan: I can't pay them here because the system is down.
Student worker: Yeah...
(Jan looks at student worker.)
Student worker: Oh, and another thing. Parking passes will be available on Monday.
Jan: I graduate next Saturday so I don't care.
Student worker: Oh, okay.


After the system came back "up" I went back. I talked to another student worker. She took forever figuring out how much I needed to pay, etc, because I was paying off a short term loan. Afterwards, she gave me my receipt and then went about her work, she filed something, etc. I just stood there and looked at her. I could tell she was getting uncomfortable. Finally she looked up and said, "That's all." I said, "Can I have my driver's license back?"

Not enough sleep...

I'm not Happy, I'm not Sleepy, I'm not Bashful, I'm not Sneezy, I'm not Dopey, I'm not Doc...I'M GRUMPY!

Slinkies

Some people are like slinkies. They're not really good for anything but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.