The gift of singleness

For the most part, I’m okay with still being single. I know that sometimes it’s hard for women. We hit 25, 28, 30 and there’s no sign of Prince Charming. But even though I’m coming up on 28, I’m still okay. In fact, I’m having a great time. I’ve made some wonderful friends, I’m serving in the church, my faith is maturing. I’m not unhappy. I’m not discontent. But sometimes these sneaky little thoughts invade my brain. And I start to wonder. Why am I still single? I mean, I’m okay with it, but I still wonder why. Am I too tall? Too obnoxious? Too intimidating? Too immature?

I think a lot of single women wonder these same things. Maybe even single men, although they probably wonder if they are too short rather than too tall. But I’m beginning to think and understand that these questions of inadequacy and our discontentedness with singleness in general are a result of our buying the lie that Satan feeds us.

I went to Borders last night. I shouldn’t go there. That place is evil. But I did. And I bought three books. One of the books is Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? It’s written by a woman named Carolyn McCulley, who happens to be friends with Joshua Harris who wrote I Kissed Dating Goodbye. She is a woman in her 40s who is still single and was starting to wonder why. So she began to try to understand what “the gift of singleness” really means.

I didn’t want to buy the book at first. And I certainly didn’t want to tell anyone I bought it. I mean, I don’t want people to think I have a problem with being single. And I DEFINITELY don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. Oy vey. It really irritates me when people feel sorry for me.

Anyway, I’ve only read two chapters so far, but I really like what she has to say. And I thought I’d share of bit of it. I will use direct quotes a lot, so when I do, remember that it’s all from this same book and I’m not plagiarizing.

She starts off with scripture:

There are three things that are too amazing for me,
Four that I do not understand:
The way of an eagle in the sky,
The way of a snake on a rock,
The way of a ship on the high seas,
The way of a man with a maiden.
Proverbs 30:18-19

“Wise men and women remain confounded by the mystery of attraction and romance. We really don’t know why some relationships bud and bloom, and others do not. It takes humility – a sober recognition of our limitations – to be comfortable with that mystery. We don’t know the ways of the heart, but God does. He knows how everything operates, and nothing is a mystery to Him. Even better, He is lovingly involved in His creation. He didn’t just make us all and then stand back to have a good laugh. The whole Bible testifies of God’s faithfulness to us even in the face of our own faithlessness to Him.”

So that’s the gist of chapter 1. But chapter 2 is where it gets good. About the gift of singleness:

“How and when did I get this gift of singleness? I don’t recall putting it on my ‘wish list’ or asking anyone to give it to me. I don’t remember opening it up and saying, ‘Ooohh, thank you! Singleness! How did you know? It’s perfect!’ There are several Greek words that could be translated as ‘gift’ in English.” One “denotes a free gift of grace, used in the New Testament to refer to a spiritual or supernatural gift. This is the word Paul uses in this passage – charisma. As a gift of grace, it stresses the fact that it is a gift of God the Creator freely bestowed upon sinners – His endowment upon believers by the operation of the Holy Spirit in the churches. Theologian Gordon Fee says that Paul’s use of charisma throughout this letter to the Corinthians stresses the root word of ‘grace,’ not the gifting itself. Fee writes:

"'There seems to be no real justification for the translation ‘spiritual gift’ for this word. Rather, they are ‘gracious endowments’, which at times, as in this letter, is seen also as the gracious activity of the Spirit in their midst.'

"It’s not an activity or a role, but a blessing – like the free gift of eternal life (Romans 5:15) that was given to us without any merit of our own.”

Hold it right there. Did you just read that? This “gift” of singleness should be treated as a gracious endowment and can be seen as a gracious activity of the Holy Spirit. It was a gift freely given to me through no merit of my own. What? Do you think of singleness in this way? I sure as heck never did.

Okay, so maybe there is some truth to that. But for what purpose? Why do some people have to wait so long before they get married? If singleness is such a gift, why didn’t God give this so-called gift to all the poor schmoes who are already married? Why me? To answer that, Ms. McCulley goes to 1st Corinthians 12.

"'Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit; and there are varieties of service, but the same Lord; and there are varieties of activities, but it is the same God who empowers them all in everyone. To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good.'

“Spiritual gifts are given for the common good. The good news here is that the singleness is not about you – either your good qualities or your sinful tendencies. We have to stop here and ask ourselves if being gifted for the benefit of the church is important to us.”

Again I have to stop. I had heard a similar idea before. That we shouldn’t do something ABOUT our singleness, we should do something WITH our singleness. But it still had a self-centered flavor to it. What should I be using my singleness for NOW to serve ME? I never considered that I should be doing something WITH my singleness FOR the body of Christ. You’d think that wouldn’t need to be pointed out, but apparently it does. And I don’t think I’m alone in that. I think we are, by nature, very self-centered.

“But you may be wondering if it’s okay to still want to get married and have children. Yes! Those are also good gifts from God. It’s not wrong to desire marriage or to ask God for it.” However, “good gifts are in danger of becoming idols. ‘The evil in our desire typically does not lie in what we want, but that we want it too much.’ When any of us is tempted to think that the power to bless and satisfy resides in something other than God, this is idolatry.

"I like Elisabeth Elliot’s perspective: ‘Singleness is not to be viewed as a problem, nor marriage as a right. What may be your portion tomorrow is not your business today. Today’s business is trust in the living God who precisely measures out, day by day, each one’s portion.’”

Sometimes I have a problem with Elisabeth Elliot. I’ve read some of her books and they are very good. But I just sometimes have a problem with married people trying to encourage singles. And she’s been married three times. (Just so you know, her first two husbands died. One was martyred as he served as a missionary and one died of cancer.) But I do have to acknowledge the truth in what she says. God knows what I want. He will take care of me. He will give me everything I need, a lot of things that I want, and even more things that I didn’t know I wanted but still enjoy thoroughly.

The key to contentment in this time of singleness is understanding that a gracious God bestowed it upon me, through no merit of my own, for use in His kingdom. My singleness is not about me. My singleness is about Christ. Is yours?